What it feels like when both your heart and mind collapse, and your body refuses to do so?

It feels like.... stabbing pain. You just can't find anything worthy in yourself. There's no point living in this world because you don't feel important or accomplished. And yet you cannot die.

That's exactly what I'm feeling right now. The feeling of being stuck in the middle.

As a student, academics are prioritized. You screw it up, you have not fulfilled your job as a student. The competitiveness of this society pains me, because it constantly reminds me how bad I am in comparison to others. How i always pale down. How I'm always a loser. Add in complains by others because they missed the mark to A , I hit rock bottom since i failed. The fact that i did studied hurts more, because it signifies my lack of intelligence and ability.

Am i really, good enough to study here?

Now I live life like a zombie. A zombie that lacks joy, emotions, and laughter.
But life still goes on, because it's not my turn to die.


I got my U grade for chemistry today. Never in my life have I felt so incompetent, and stupid. I'm sure I will get 2 more U grades for GP and Econs in the near future.

That thought itself, sucks. I wouldn't feel this bad if I did not work hard. I'll say I did my best for the revision, and that is exactly where it is tender. How can I do better if I did my best?

And sadly I didn't get into Exco for my CCA after all the effort I put in. Now I feel drained and used, because I have worked hard and I did my best. And I'm rewarded with.... well, nothing.

And that isn't where it hurts the most. The fact that I'm deemed as "not as competent as others" pains me. Because it confirms and accentuates the lack of confidence in myself and how I inferior I feel as compared to others all the time.

How can I survive Term 3? With PW increasing intensity,more schoolwork, more inferiority,and more unhappiness.

Why am I in a JC?
I have been so careless with blogging these days. Really.

I'm just tired. Really tired from school, even though it's the holidays.
Holidays are not for studying, period. It's for playing and enjoying and taking a break.

School's going to reopen soon, and I have no idea why the holiday blues are so bad. Not just because schoolwork's just a bitch, but also because I realised that, I don't have friends in class. That is pathetically sad when I see my secondary school friends making more friends and JC really becomes more fruitful for them.

Yes true I'm just jealous.

But there's really no choice right? Since I'm put into a class where I can't find anyone really similar and there's no one for me to relate to. Perhaps it's because I'm just a really strange person myself. And even though I tried really hard to fit myself in, it's mostly to no avail. I feel distant, and I don't feel accepted.

I really thank Sylvia, Jasper, Qing Xiang, GH, Rashid, and Weilin for accompanying me through these hard times. Your presence during recess and lunch really brings a smile to my face. At least there is someone to eat  and talk to me. I'm really thankful.

And now school's going to reopen soon, I want to believe that it wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be. I'll bite through everything because you people rocks.

Had a blasting good time at the SAGE finals. It was an enriching experience, and an honour to witness all the projects. The vigour and passion JC kids have is pretty amazing. The efforts people put in, although they know that all this may amount to nothing. I'll applaud for everyone and myself; we are all winners.
Also, I need to thank my mentor cheng wei! OK even though I know he wouldn't read this, but I really appreciate his help through the 3 months.
Everyday I feel... dead.

There's just no more joy in whatever I do, and I have become.... a robot? No emotions.

And I can't help but worry now,because I'm falling back in my studies. I didn't manage to do the tutorials on time. And sometimes even though I tried, nothing comes good out of it since I always leave it blank due to my insect intellect.

So I always wonder why I am in school facing all these crap, with horrible math teachers and unkind tutors that don't care a hoot about students.
It's 4.32 AM in the morning.

Don't ask me why I'm not sleeping yet, because I will tell you now. I slept an average of 17 hours the previous day, because I just didn't have enough the past few weeks. So I took a revenge and slept as much as I could.

And suddenly I feel like eating Sashimi.
Ok random. But why the hell is Japan pouring their stupid waste water into the sea? It's radiation. There's radiation in the water. If you pour those into the sea, then where can I find Japan sashimi? From which sea? the Atlantic? Ugh.

And life hasn't been good either. In JC, it wouldn't be good anyway. That's a given. Why are some people having so much fun in JC i don't get it! It's like the worst nightmare ever! Plus this is just the 4th month of the year, and the 3rd month ever since school started. It's going to become worse.
School has been horrible.

I'm having a lot of difficulty catching up with my work lately, and I'm badly behind tutorials. Yikes, suck my life.

As if that stress is not enough, PW is not cutting off some slack in my life recently. After squeezing everything I can for my first piece of PW work- the PI, I actually have people in my group copying-wholesale copying, my ideas.

Firstly just let me touch on the unfairness of such selfishness and disregard. I have to say that most people putted in efforts in their PI. How many people spent sleepless nights just to do this piece of work? I bet 90% of the student population will raise both of their hands in agreement.

But how fair is it, if you just take someone's PI and copy what he or she wrote, and then claim it to be your own? As everyone spent a huge portion of their time doing their PI, you spent a small portion of yours copying and then completing it in no time. In case you're wondering , no references or acknowledgements were given to me. Not knowing how to do is not a good excuse, because nobody started out knowing how too.

As if this is not infuriating enough, the confront was met with much defense, the defense of insisting the ideas were already from her long ago, which I find strangely ridiculous. If the ideas were from you, then why did I see "your" ideas in my first draft instead of yours? I even met a bullet-proof cheek- the cheek of asking me to change the sentence structure in her work. Now what? After copying my work, you asked me to do more work for you?

She only apologised after persuasion from other group mates, and promised to change. But when you copy 3/4 of someone's work, to what extent will you change? The honest change- Change EVERYTHING, avoiding my sentence structures and vocabulary. The cheater change- Tweak sentences, use synonyms but retaining my essence.Intelligent people just choose the latter.


What are your brains for if you copy other people's ideas? Not trying to be offensive, but is this actually some type of culture? I don't know how many times I've seen companies copying ideas and mass producing products, then selling them at a ridiculously low price. Yes, you can sue. But who are you to do so if you're just a small and insignificant company who don't have the resources to go on a long legal war with a huge company that has Boston lawyers? Just an indignant small fry.

Just as I thought a life as a student will be less complex as life as an adult, selfish people have to go all the way to dash all my hopes. Why are people in the world so... selfish? I know I cannot expect everyone to be Jesus because selfishness is instilled in humans, but why do I need to tolerate such dishonestly, such disregard, such not-you-die-then-I-die mindsets in school? Yes, I am not a saint myself, if not I wouldn't be so bothered at "helping" classmates in such strange ways. Actually I didn't even helped her, she just took without my consent.

And this led me to think that... Is it because this is Temasek Junior College? Is it because this is the so-called Top 5 Junior College in Singapore? So people are so concerned about results they just don't give the process a damn. I know this is a fleeting statement, but I just sentimentally feel this way. Very lonely, very sick of people who steal my ideas.

I want to go Meridian now, I want an entirely new environment. At least I have my friends there, and I wouldn't meet people like this and get so... depressed and offended.
I thank god that today is finally Saturday. I have so much work to catch up, it's piling up from a molehill to a mountain. Ok that sounds strange but wtv.

TJC did not do well for PW this year, obtaining only 60% As. Haiz, and they had help from teachers last year. So I bet it's going to be a lot worse this year because the question's more difficult and no help is rendered at all.But too bad, we can only hope for the best.

I tried my luck for EXCO in my CCA this year, and so did the 11 of my CCA Mates. There are only 8 positions available, so 4 will not be able to go in. But wouldn't it be unfair for the 4? Everyone stayed back everyday to do the work assigned, and in the end you don't give them any positions. It's akin to using people and taking away all their time but not giving them something in the end. Everyone knows how precious time is in JC life.-.-

I guess every subject is trying its best to drown me with homework and difficult concepts. I don't know how long i can hold on, but I will try. I just hope those talkative ones in the class would stop talking during tutorials because it just reflects badly on us as a class, and not you as a person, especially when our class is not reputable in any positive way already. It's more than just irritating and disturbing to people who want to learn, it's annoying to the teachers who are teaching too. If the math teacher sucks, it's most probably because we didn't give her any respect right? Would you want to teach a class that is talking non-stop? You don't right?

So stop complaining and shut up.
Alright this is just a really short post, because I still have tons of tutorials to do and I'm dying already.

I thought I was lucky that school isn't this stressful for me but OMFG, it's coming like a tsunami now. My 2 days tomorrow is occupied by CCA stuff, so means lesser time to do homework and the executive summary. I have no idea when I'm going to meet my mentor but if I didn't complete it before seeing him, my head is so going to roll.

I hate studying now. :C
Just when I thought my weekends will be completely relaxing after mugging continuously from mon-thurs for the PW draft, it got from bad to worse with the excruciating pain-I would rather die 3000 times than suffer that again, or ever.

It was a completely stupid decision to remove all 4 teeth at one go, the pain is so bad that no amounts of panadol can ease it even relatively. I am still bleeding up till now, and my pillow was wet with blood last night because there was no way to control it from dripping down except swallowing the blood. I gave up swallowing because every gulp tasted disgusting, like the combination of metal, salt, and shit.

So I went back to the dentist today again, for him to put on the metal wires and the rubber that pulls my teeth to it's supposed position. My hand itch from chipping the rubber off, it's hurts even more than plucking out 4 teeth at one go. Yes, take that, it is that painful.

I can't believe that I subjected myself to so much pain. Having straightened teeth is always an incentive to me, something that I never require or crave for badly in my entire life. I hate myself for succumbing under my mother's pressure, and I hate myself for not standing strong enough.

Why hurt yourself for beauty that is so insignificant? It's never worth it, to the point that I think people who put on braces willingly has a fried brain.
Maybe I am wrong, because different people look at things with different perspectives, and they gauge what's important and what's not very subjectively.

But I'm so tired now. So tired of torturing myself for something so unnecessary and useless. So tired of trying to cry to wash off all the pain. So tired of trying to find encouragement from people around but get none of them. So tired of entering the clinic I feel compelled to burn everyday, and then leave the room with more pain.

I feel so much like dying now, and the longest ruler will never be able to measure how much I hate my mother for this.
If you make me choose between pain or death, I'll choose the 2nd option with dignity.

Sorry for saying something so negative, but for now, I hope I can close my eyes and never wake up. By then I will be in heaven, skipping on the fluff clouds with joy and relaxation, and most importantly, I'll be pain-free.
Yes I am a loser.
No words can describe how much I hate Peedub, Peedub cannot suck more than this already, I'm crumbling under all the crap-.-

I spent Mon to thurs doing Peedub, because dumb people just need more time to think. So I sleep in the morning every night, and the days are so freakin' dull because I have no energy for them.

Sometimes I hope I am Edward Cullen, then I would be able to do all my homeworks and tutorials on time. And all the subjects will NOT be this difficult.

If I can borrow Kristine's brain for a day..............

Ok I'm really tired now, come back later to hear about embarrassment.
Yes, PITCHES.

That word alone makes me cringe.

Definition of pitches-summary used to quickly and simply define a product, service, or organization and its value proposition.

My definition of pitches- The scariest crap in the entire universe. I rather go pitch a tent.

I spent 2 hours doing this thing called elevator pitch. What is an elevator pitch? Good question, look at the definition or just consult Uncle Google. And after 2 hours of horrible torture, the idea wasn't even taken in. So I wasted my time, when i can, go fight with kenneth or something.

And today's the worst day of my life. I'm supposed to go up and PITCH to people and convince them to buy this egg protector that will protect the egg from a 3-storey fall. Alright I know you think it's freakin' lame but yes it is like that.

My mentor is.....there's no other adjective more apt than frightening. He tapped me in the shoulder for more than 15 times to ask for my pitch, but I don't have it. When it comes to pitches, I'm a complete loser. No ideas, no nothing, just stupid.

When the other guy from the other group was doing the pitch to him, he sat on the chair, leg-crossed like Steve Jobs(without the cancer of course), and stared at him with a straight face.The only thing that's moving was his mouth, and words like," I'm not interested",and  "Boring" came out. I looked back, and the first thing that came into my mind was," SHIT, I HAVE NOTHING"

Of course I made a big screw-up when it's my turn to pitch. But thank god I didn't get comments like I'm lame/shitty/crappy or whatsoever. So i went up there to be the clown of the day," EGG ARE CUTE. EGG ARE PRECIOUS. EGGS ARE SO ADORABLE" was the crappiest line I've ever heard. But it came out of my mouth.

Gosh I don't wanna remember anything about it anymore. The lesson learnt today is to know what is marketing before doing it. I only said I'm doing the marketing because I thought it was about designing to protector, but it turned out to be a totally different thing.
I'm typing this with my eyes half-closed now, so spare me if I make any grammar/spelling mistakes, because I don't have energy to check now.

So why am i still blogging even when I'm in this state of condition? Well, the main reason is, I LOVE YOU PEOPLE! If you bother to read my diary, I will bother to type something out for you. Touched anot? You must be.  :D

So today my mother brought me to East Coast Park. Yes, again. I thought we were going to go cycle, but in the end we didn't because.... because..... Oh shit, i forget why.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY BRAIN? I think all the studying reduced my brain cells to just 2. I think these days they even talk to each other.

Brain cell 1: Eh go Facebook leh.
Brain cell 2: Huh I need to do homework.
Brain cell 1: C'mon. The radiation won't hit you even if you procrastinate for a while.
Brain cell 2: Very Funny.
Brain cell 1: You chicken.
Brain cell 2: We're the same thing, you are a chicken too.
Brain cell 1: Fine fine I'm a chicken, just go FB now.
Brain cell 2: 10 mins only ok.

OK SORRY i kinda got crazy.
If 2012 is going to happen tell me why I'm studying instead of clubbing.

If 2012 is going to happen tell me why I'm waking up for school.

If 2012 is going to happen tell me why I still need to put on that horrible-coloured uniform.

If 2012 is going to happen tell me why I'm still cutting fruits on my IPad.

If 2012 is going to happen tell me why I'm so troubled by Gas Laws and tutorials.

Alright with the bombing all over the place and Japan being soak in radiation(probably), I have this sudden feeling that the world's gonna end. That explains the lines above this paragraph.

Hotdog-Frankly this is SO UNFAIR. I'm less than 20, and if the world ends in 2012 then I'm gonna die without fun in my life. I didn't manage to smuggle myself into clubs yet, I haven't seen a bouncer in my entire life, and I haven't go to Korea!  How can I just die like that!!!?Huh Huh Huh?

It WILL be depressing to know that you studied so hard to get more money but in the end you cannot get your fruits of labour because the world's sinking like a Titanic. I should be older.

My grandma's in a worse mode now. My aunt bought her ticket to Japan few days ago only to hear earthquakes and tsunamis the very next day and then nuclear leakage just yesterday. I hope Japan gets better or else Granny's dream to see those flowers will be shattered. Although I bet that the flowers are most probably washed away by the tsunami or had changed colour because of radiation, I still hope she can make it to Japan since it's what she wants to see, with or without colour change.

So good day people, hope everyone enjoys their life before 2012 hits!
Hope this holiday will be productive. This is Sunday already and I didn't manage to complete even one of my piled-up-like-an-ocean tutorial. If it piles up more then I will experience something similar to the Japan Tsunami.

I sympathize those in Japan, but I can't help thinking that that disaster is damn cool. What's with that photo of a tsunami looking like a tornado? When I see those cars and ships being tossed around like country erasers it's really more fascinating than heart-wrenching. Of course it would be the other way round if the cars were to be replaced to humans. Perhaps a little part of me knows that nature will take it's revenge sooner or later. It's always, like that.

I'm just thankful that I'm not subjected to such horror. Do stay strong Japan, the economy needs you and we need our jobs.

And I'm still very troubled by SAGE and i feel really compelled to quit now. How can it be successful when my team mates screw this much? They don't even bother to do anything or turn up for the practices. It's the only chance to discuss. And the rubbish bin idea isn't even near to fresh. To my dismay, I chanced upon a website that shows companies producing bins with advertisements boards nicely done and framed. So this is actually "inspired" by these companies in china? You are making me feel damn cheated man, cheater.
Today went to the SAGE training, and it's quite, fail.

My group members pangseh me. And a 3-man group became a one man show. It's so pathetic. Perhaps longxiang went back to China, but how about that Jiaxin guy seriously? He didn't even notify me about not coming or anything, he just disappear. Is the word disappear correct? I guess not, because he didn't even appear.

I SWEAR if this goes on the whole project gonna fail, big fat time. I don't understand why jiaxin join this competition when he doesn't even bother to contribute anything. The least he can contribute is his time.

Haiz i guess I'm just unlucky to be in this group.
Let me start this post with a TGIH(thank god it's holidays).

I'm so tired of school because i have to wake up early and that is screwing up my bio clock. I HATE HATE HATE waking up for school. Imagine having to pull your tired body screaming "please just one more minute" up from the soft bed and pillows. It's simply torturous.

And I really need to play this holiday because the first day of school will be the start of Project Work. It's famous for screwing up people's lives.So i need some dramas to be more mentally prepared. Not a very good excuse, but still valid right?

Today had a mass lecture in the hall, but what happened actually? I wasn't listening. I only remember the lecturer said something about A*star. So much for a professor from NUS.Oh and remember the girl who kind of "insulted" me a few weeks back? Well, she wrote me an apology letter and gave it to me just now, only that I wasn't even angry anymore. I don't even remember until she reminded me about it again. Wow wow my class is a stalker man. Is that some superb skills or some inborn talent and flair? Anyway she wrote to me because she read my blog ( somehow, i have no idea how), but i assured her I'm not unhappy anymore, because I'm never someone who bears grudges at others.

After that I met Liting and Huijie at bedok point. Now i discovered that VJC people are considered as royalty. Temasek people pathetically waited for them outside bedok point like a wet dog and beggar. You can never imagine how saddening we looked. It felt like I'm waiting for my girlfriend who just quarreled with me the day before and I have to wait one hour plus today as a punishment.

Liting tells me her mum's is a fan of my blog. LOL? I was so shocked when i hear that, because my blog isn't all that interesting what. So if you're reading, HELLO! And thanks for being interested!
Haiz i hate redox. why all my answers wrong one?

Today's school again, thank god it's a really short day. So well had lectures and tutorials again blah blah blah, and then did some homework with Jasper and his best friend Darren in the library. Only it turned out I didn't do a lot of my homework because i deviated, a lot. Darren's in the same CCA as me, so I know him a little. He's joining SAGE too, but he's not in my group. What a lucky bitch, my group sucks.

They're starting on their project already, and I still don't have any idea where's mine going. My teammate from China say he can do things in China because he has his contacts, but when I suggested what we can do, he rejected all my ideas and say this doesn't work in China. That doesn't work in China. All these don't work in China. Wow I'm going to die already.-.-

So now I'm trying to think of a completely new idea, but it's difficult because I'm already so invested in his idea I branched out so much already. It sucks to see all my braincells getting killed for nothing. Now I'm thinking of selling customized shoes but we already have that in Singapore. I need more inspirations. Grrr at my group, why aren't they sharing my anxiety?
I swear with everything, joining SAGE as a competition is perhaps the most regretful decision in my life. It's like PW. As if PW is not crappy enough, SAGE is one that is full of bullshit, especially when both of my teammates are China guys. One is so stubborn he insists on everything he says, while the other is so dead that he doesn't contribute anything.

OMG my team mate insisted to carry out HIS idea in China but how the hell am i going to carry this thing out all the way over there??? The only thing I know about China is that it's huge, has a tourist attraction made of bricks called Great Wall of China, and that the people there kinda like studying in Singapore. So he said he's doing everything, but the way he suggested means no profit earned and that defeats the purpose. He actually said we can just lie and claim that we earned something but the money will go to the so-called sponsors, so i violently object.If the SAGE commitee find out we cheat( we have to earn profits) I'm going to be branded into some liar for the rest of my life. Fine I admit that I do lie but being branded is a different thing altogether.

Anyway, they're starting another topic in physics, but i still don't know what the previous topic is going on. But I'm as tired as a dead dog now.
Yesterday went to SMU for some SAGE training programme, but it only turned out to be some bonding session with other competitors. I was actually quite unhappy because i sacrificed my mug econs time for this and it turned out to be nothing productive.

But it turned out to be quite fun i guess. More than half of the group went off halfway through the bonding session and only 3 girls were left. Both of the members are from SAJC and they're quite nice. I even had the chance to be a leader due to the pathetic size of our group and I found out I'm so not leader material. Totally fumbled here and there like a monkey heheh.

Firstly I'm supposed to say one special thing about myself so I said "I watch korean dramas" and "I hate local production" because the ball was thrown to me twice. Then secondly I have to say one true and false thing about myself so i said," I love animals" and "I laugh when people fall down". When i said about laughing at people falling down everyone started calling me a sadist. Eh why huh? I thought it's natural to laugh when someone falls down in front of you. It just comes out really naturally! Guess noone's being honest.

Next we're supposed to give our teammates a word out of many to describe his or her characteristics and i got charismatic and tenacious. I was so shocked when i see charismatic. I have never hear people call me that in my life. When i talk people most probably think I'm talking shit and switch off automatically. If someone listens means he or she is doing it out of respect.
And tenacious is what? I just checked the dictionary and i think it means stubborn.-.-

So that marks the end of my saturday. And i haven't even started studying econs yet!

p.s: I hate my phy teacher. teach like da bian seriously. Frankly i find JC teachers not as willing to teach as those in Ngee Ann you know? In Ngee ann teachers are most willing to answer your questions with a lot of patience but over here tutors actually say things like," why are you asking so many questions? This is different from your Secondary school." Of course that sentence is not directed to me, i know better than ask those teachers stupid questions.
Totally having second thoughts now.

JC life seems too much for me to bear, it's painful. Economics is driving me to a corner, i think I'm just too stupid. Everything is so complicating in this subject even when it's just the first chapter y,know? The most infuriating thing is everyone seems to love it, and they can actually do the homework, while i come to class with either blanks or one or two questions answered/partially answered. Today the econs teacher called me up to present the answers, and you can totally see how dumb i looked. I took a classmate's work and went up to be the clown of the day. Only that nobody clapped. Guess the teacher gonna hate me if he realises the difference in the handwriting when he goes through the essay test next week. Oh he already do.

Studies are getting harder to cope, i even failed my GP essay with a whopping 21/50.friends have started to drift away. The poly route is shining in it's gleam, calling me to go over.

When it comes to determination and resilience, i have none of them left, sorry.